Hey old self, (like the past version not future granny status)
Whoa. Buckle up. It’s going to be a wild ride, but it has to be that way to get you where you need to be. You are going to get a lifetime of lessons in a very short period of time, but you don’t have time to waste. Embrace it, dive into all the things, learn, grow and transform. Roll with it. You are going to see things and have to wrap your head around more things that are going to blow your mind. BUT there’s going to be a lot of good that’s going to come from it. For starters, you are going to realize what you’re made of and experience a new sort of appreciation for those close to you. It’s also going to bring amazing people into your life as you heal. You will see what was important to worry about and what was not. Matter of fact, you are going to see that worrying is pointless.
But first….You are going to meet a man that is going to be all the things to you as you go through your young adults years. Your friend, boyfriend, roommate, fiancé, husband, father of your son and your best friend. You’re going to consider him your person. He’s going to teach you a lot. Most of the lessons are going to be when he’s gone though. You are going to do a lot of work (again, quickly) to figure out who you are without him. As it’s unfolding you are going to think, this is not the life you signed up for or thought you would have. With your desire to learn from all of this, you are going to become a different person. An elevated version of yourself and you’re going to see why this all played out the way it did. You are going to find what you were put here to do. Nothing that came before it even compares to the feeling you will feel. It will light you on fucking fire. What you go through is going to change the lives around you and those that work with you. This will help you see that change is good and not something to be scared of.
You’re going to have a son - he's going to be a surprise. You’ll be told you can’t have children and to put that idea on hold. Then he’s going to give you a glimpse into his personality, because he’ll have different plans. He’s going to come at a time when he decides enough is enough, it's showtime. He’s going to drive you nuts and to be the very best version of yourself. He deserves that, therefore you do. He is going to be one of your loudest teachers. You are going to learn A LOT from him. One of those being he is your soulmate. Not in a weird way…a way that holds a space for the strongest relationship you’ll ever have, which just creates more of that. You two will have each others backs ALWAYS and an understanding of life that only you two get. He chose you. He knew you could do this on your own. Another thing he teaches you but will also test you with. Your job is going to be to guide him and give him enough information, but not too much. Enough to make decisions for himself. You are going to let him learn sometimes the hard way, because you have seen how much growth comes from that. You will always be checking in and seeing where you need to elevate his tools and where he needs to navigate himself. You’ll realize your intuition and use it with EVERYTHING, especially with him. And you’ll teach him to trust his.
You’re going to have a lot of conversations about how to raise your son, wishing that his dad was there to spitball ideas with or show him the crazy, funny, confusing, frustrating, heartwarming things he does. In those same moments you are going to realize you used to be dependent on other peoples input and opinions, and that you actually know the answers before you even finish asking the question. There will also be a lot of people that check in on and care to hear all the things you want to share about your wild man, he's loved by many. You are going to learn to trust yourself and your gifts and see how they were there all along, you just didn’t have the awareness or tools to understand them. This helps you realize his dad is around to ask questions to and share things with, you just will have a different way of hearing and seeing those responses.
You are going to see who you are and the attributes you want in a partner are different now. But you ARE different. You’re pretty much going to wake the F up at 34 years old and it’s going to be overwhelming, amazing and isolating all at the same time. There are going to be people that don’t get you anymore and very quickly you’ll get over that and see how that makes space for those that do. You’re going to surprise yourself with this new version of you and how it compared to the old one. This will help you relate to those that don’t get you anymore.
You’re going to be really hard on yourself for your first 34 years but you will stop that in its tracks, when life changes as you know it. When you come out the other side of some pretty crazy stuff, you are going to leave that behind and gain a shit ton. Including how to put yourself first and where your values and attention are most worthwhile. It will be a constant effort to keep things in check, but you know how to do that now. You will continue to gain those tools as you grow, experience things and rebound. All the things you have gone through throughout your life, are going to shape you, along with giving you the ability to relate and help people on a level you won’t comprehend until it’s happening. It will all make sense and you’ll see each experience as a gift. So, don't fight against any of it. You are going to have a passion and drive to share what you have been through, to give others permission to do the same. This will be important to you. You will understand the magnitude of how this energy shifts this world, when people step into their soul purpose. And yes, you are going to use a lot of words like that and you are going to embrace parts of yourself that up until now, you put a lot of energy into ignoring. You are going to say "fuck it" A LOT. There will be a point during this shift, that your brain will feel like it's defrosting and things will get loud. This is you getting an opportunity to see your gifts and abilities and a chance to practice how to manage it all. You WILL get a handle on it, but don't get too comfortable - it's ever changing. You’re definition of perfect will be very different - you are not perfect, yet perfect at the same time. One of your biggest lessons will be that everything is both good and bad all at once. You will have a new perspective on life. You’ll feel at peace with the fact, you know more than you ever have, while realizing you have so much more to learn. You will walk forward with a resilience that will serve you well for what’s ahead and you will realize your son has that ability too. You both will need that for what this life has in store. Remember that when he’s making you bat shit crazy.
You’re going to meet someone new. When the time is right and most likely when you are uninterested in focusing on that part of your life. It will be someone who has the same desire to learn and grow constantly, because you have seen how that sets a soul on fire. They will be their own person, as will you - but the things you have in common create a relationship you’ve never experienced before. You will be the most authentic version of yourself, so you will attract that in someone else. You have a lot to put out into the world before this happens though - so be patient. The butterflies - that’s all I’ll say.
You will get to a point where although it’s only been a year and half since the end of one lifetime, it will feel like just that. A lifetime ago. Not much worries or scares you; spiders still creep you out - big ones. The control you have over your life is as strong as your ability to surrender to the unknown. The heaviness goes away, I PROMISE. Don’t be scared, it will all unfold as it needs to.
Lastly, it’s ok to miss that persons face that left this life sooner than you thought he would AND be excited for the life you have now. Realizing if you met each other today, you wouldn't be a match anymore - so this makes you even more grateful for the time you did have. You are grateful for it all, you feel that to your core. You will be more than fine, better than. I know this. You are bulletproof.
**You will now probably start singing Titanium after you read that last sentence. It will make you laugh because your son‘s dad used to think it was hysterical when you would belt that out in the car. You’re great at a lot of things, but singing is still not one of them.