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Wide Open.

I'll tell you a little story. One that I've come to realize with time, one of the many reasons why our decisions might not make sense to those closest to us....

When loved ones witness our pain, their brain tries to put 'shoulds' in place to protect us. Anything that doesn't fit in this perfectly fantasized box, gets a big warning label slapped on it and it gets wrapped up in a caution taped bow. The intention is pure, it's for life to be easier for those of us who have gone through some tough shit. But if we don't use our intuition, are we just going off of what is good through our lens? In that case our opinions might not be what is in the highest good for the person we are worried about, right?

What am I getting at with all of this? My healing has been a journey. It was a quick one and then as life continued and experiences, people and situations were presented to me, I got more and more opportunities to apply all I had learned. That's it's own type of healing. Put me in coach. I'd be lying if I said it was easy. And I'd be lying to you if I said there haven't been moments where I've cried with my head in my hands and asked Source, the Universe and all my guides and angels, if they all could just cut me a break for a sec. Maybe let me learn something the easy way for once? I've been pushed to overwhelm and exhaustion at times, but with each stage of healing it moves through quicker. It can sometimes feel like we've gotten hit by a semi truck though. Fast and furious. Ask the friends who have walked in on me laying on my floor, staring up at the ceiling, contemplating life, as I connect all the dots, hold onto some crystals, speak reflection lingo and get metaphysical up the B hole. Figuratively. This process now happens on hyper speed - days, hours, minutes...something that once took a lifetime. Or 30+ years at least.

I never wrote about it because oddly enough it felt too personal and I didn't really have the words. But my dog of 15 years passing away last October, was a bump in the healing road. Alvin was by my side through it all. And when I say it all...I mean when I left college early at 21, getting a puppy was of course the first thing to check off the list. Duh. Fast forward through life: my entire relationship with Bob, road trips, plane trips, Christmas cards, moves, first house buying, when I found out I was pregnant, when we brought Nash home, when I got the phone call from Bob that changed my life forever, when I walked in to find Bob after he had taken his own life, when Nash, Alvin and I started a new life, the crying, the healing, more moves, first dates (again)....He was literally there for it all. When his health turned, it was quick and in a matter of days I was having to make decisions that permanently took a piece of my heart. To grieve a soul before it has even physically left, is it's own sort of pain. Funny right (or whatever word), since I had gone through such trauma years prior. But this was different. It was unconditional love. Something us humans have a hard time grasping. We shouldn't. It's magical. I never saw Alvin as, "just a dog". He was always a soulmate. When Alvin passed, it was the last piece of my old life - leaving. How I took for granted the sound of his little paws tapping on hardwoods as he followed me every time I got up. How the idea of someone always having your back, literally. How I took for granted that since leaving college I had never truly been alone. Even when I had felt alone - he was always there. Something to be said about presence, no matter it's form.

Nash was almost 4 years old at the time Alvin passed - so this was also very much a conversation he was able to have. Very different talking to a 15 month old about death, compared to a 4 year old. I think the sadness we both had was taking us back to conversations we weren't really able to have together when Bob died. The moments we both just sat together and cried missing Alvin, but on a soul level we knew those tears were for our old life too. Our souls know that life wasn't ours anymore and we are destined for better, but our human selves were still catching up. Nash understood death now. He had something to relate it to. So naturally his sadness for not having Bob around, was triggered for both of us when Alvin passed.

The couple weeks after were tough and I wondered if my heart would ever feel whole again. It surprised me until I realized I was closing a chapter. It was the Bob chapter and my journey with Alvin. It was a few weeks before I took his cage out of my car and his bed out of the corner of my room and for me to get used to not seeing him around. Then life started to shift. I saw how much of my heart and attention Alvin had. He had to go, so Nash and I could step into the next stage of this new life. I needed to have that energy open for what was to come. I had more healing to do, but in a different way. I was going to get a chance to actually apply all I had learned, but I had to be in a relationship to do it.

I'll tell you why my decisions sometimes don't make sense to others or look like the 'shoulds' that have been drafted in their minds...out of fear. We fear what we have experience of, not the unknown. How can we fear something we have no awareness of? It's what we relate that unknown to that causes fear and a trauma response. But I'll tell ya what's painful and traumatic, being asleep at the wheel. Living a life that is dull and stagnant. I don't choose to have things be hard, but I do welcome shifts that have had to come in that form to get me where I'm at. I know what a life looks like to live it by the 'shoulds' and I'll tell you, I'll never go back to that. With that, my decisions might not always look correct, but they are what is going to allow me to find myself more and more with each experience. And that is the only 'should' I'm interested in.

When we experience things like I have, we cherish the little things. So where someone might be annoyed their husband leaves their clothes on the floor or makes a mess in the kitchen....Let me tell you what that feels like to have that ripped away. You'd give anything to be bickering or laughing about something like that. You start to see what's really important. You'd give anything to walk into your house and know someone is there to just know you made it home - so your family doesn't have to text every night to make sure you made it into your house safely, so they can sleep at night. Or the pure heart warming feeling you feel, when you walk into your place and it smells like cologne. Or the dynamic to bounce parenting ideas off of that you had gotten used to doing alone. Or that note someone has left you that they miss you and can't wait to see you later. Until you walk into multiple parties alone - to the point it actually now feels weirder to walk into one with someone, will anyone really understand what that is like. How we take for granted, rolling over and having someone in bed with us or waking up to someone pulling us closer to them. Do we need that to feel whole? Absolutely not, but if we're presented with a chance to experience that and learn through a relationship - just maybe don't run from it ;)

When others try to make decisions for us because they think they know best - it's coming from a good place. The intention is pure. It doesn't replace our soul knowing, our soul journey and what we've decided is important to us now though. Different makes people uncomfortable. And if we're doing it right, a lot of the time it won't make sense to the naked eye.

Don't get me wrong, I have moments of feeling like I'm fucking up big time. Am I even doing any of this right? Then those moments pass because I have the awareness, tools and spiritual support system to dive in head first when I feel that way. It gives me more opportunities to take things to the next level. My personal life experiences directly relates to my abilities and growth vocationally. This earth school ain't no fuckin joke. I'll leave you with one other thing. A soul compliment. Not literally (although your soul is bitchin) - it's someone who compliments our soul and it's journey and growth here. It might look different than what we thought, but it feels right and where'd we get our idea of what it 'should' look like anyways? So maybe it looks exactly how it's meant to. I used to cringe in the clumsy moments, because my old belief was that people leave when things get tough or uncomfortable. That was a healing whammy just waitin for me - heeeyoo. What a gift to get triggered to learn that isn't the case. That no one has to run to get what their soul wants. Worth it's weight in gold. When you can truly be you, while being pushed to break through old beliefs and habits - hold onto it. Keep your heart open. I've done it both ways. I'll let you guess which one is my vote. You got this.


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I enjoy your writing Marlo. If you ever need a break I can plan a trip to stay with Nash. I'm going to try to come to Portland each month to see him, so let me know if we can plan that around your schedule and needs. ☺️Love from Gramy

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