Updated: Sep 12
Bob! OMG. Where the F have you been? Ok, don’t answer that. But really, WTF?
SO much to catch up on. For starters, that choice you made. To leave this physical world….That was a big bummer. I’m guessing you know that though. Ultimately it was your choice to make, but everyone that knew you - wished you had made a different one. When I found you in that moment, I have to say it was the worst thing I had ever seen in my life. Besides the visual, it didn’t feel like I was looking at the person I knew, loved, was married to, had a kid with, grew along side, took countless beer bongs next to, laughed until I couldn’t breathe with, dressed up in every Halloween costume under the sun with…. I felt like I was looking at a murderer. Someone who had taken you from me. I have never been so scared in my life. For multiple reasons. A few being; how was I going to live this life without you, overcome what I had seen and now I had a baby to raise on my own. This scenario never once crossed my mind, no matter what we were dealing with. I don’t have to tell you what happened after that. I know you have an idea. The phone calls I had to make. The whirlwind of the minutes, hours, days, weeks following. The heaviness and sadness that set in. The cloud that Easter had around it. Easter was only 2 days after you left. I’ve come a long way, like SUPER long way (like it still weirds people out I think) but I’ll be honest, Easter will always remind me of that heaviness. I guess until it doesn’t anymore. Did you see me and the girls (ya know the bestie crew), run through Target to try and find anything that could be assembled into an Easter basket? I wanted some sense of normalcy for Nash. Like having a really great Easter basket, would change that his dad was gone. I wanted him to know life would still go on, no matter what we were going through. Well try and look for Easter baskets, the day before Easter. Impossible. So I found a bunch of random shit and used the remote control holder thingy as a basket. Nash couldn’t have cared less.
A 15 month old can’t grasp much, but he knew to ask for you. I was pretty upset with you for that. He started understanding that he wasn’t going to see you again. Every time he asked, we would talk about you and he would grab your picture and hand it to me. Like, yea lady....whatever. But really, where is he? That lasted a little less than a year. I was pretty impressed by his ability to grasp the concept and almost treat it as just a fact of life. Our life.
Did you see all the AMAZING people and support that crowded around Nash and I? It was pretty special ❤️ It was like a clean up crew came in and didn’t leave for awhile. The ripple affect it had on those closest to us and the people closest to them; I don’t think you had any clue how far that reach would go. For everyone to show up for me, they had to ask their people to show up for them. It was like around the clock detective work, help with Nash, distracting me with fun trips and finalizing very adult things - that only a 34 year old, single mom, widow, would know what I’m talking about. Thank you for allowing me to see how amazing the people in my life are. That deep appreciation to my core, that makes me smile often - wouldn’t be there without the choices you made.
The first couple months, I had a heaviness in my heart. It was confusing, sad and lonely even with a room full of people. It was all internal though as I continued with life, being a mom and all the things that were on that to do list in the beginning. I remember sitting and playing with Nash and feeling present, but my mind was constantly racing. It was a whole new level of adapting when I was put in social situations without you. Especially ones that you would have been a part of. Everyone around me was on high alert of that and filled space as they could to help lessen the blow. The ones that really got me though, were ones with families and it was now Nash and I walking in, missing a piece of our family. Around this time we went to a 2nd birthday party for Par’s girls and Nash saw someone that looked like you. He kept pulling on my leg and saying, “Dada, Dada”. He kept trying to get my attention, but also wasn’t sure, so he was hiding behind me. My heart sank. I was frustrated with you. Was he always going to be looking for you? Why did he think you would be at a party and not come say hi to him? I put on a brave face for the rest of the party but felt uneasy. Nash got comfortable and was wandering around. When I came around the corner, I saw the man he thought was you - holding him. I took a deep breath and thought to myself….’Bob, what have you done?’. I said that a handful of times to your face that last week you were here and said it again when I found you that night. The last time I said it in your direction was that day at the party. I left that party and that was the emptiest my heart had felt. I decided in that moment I needed to figure that part out. I scheduled a phone call with my now teacher and we addressed that day. What we spoke about changed my life. The tools he gave me, the perception shift, the awareness and understanding were next level. I never looked back. That heaviness was lifted instantly. Thank you for creating hard moments that tugged at my heart to a point I wanted to change them. My now teacher, reached out to me a few days later and asked me to be a part of his teacher training program and brought up his thoughts on my abilities and my soul path as a healer. I wouldn’t have found this soul path of mine without you - it’s what I’m here to do. Simply, It’s who I am and I have finally found what to do with it. Thank you.
There was a shift. I hit the ground running; to heal, recover, learn, grow and get all the help, from all the areas and all the people. Nash deserved that, so the work began. I found it. My process, my healing, my hobbies, my passion, my career, my soul pull, myself. It was like the puzzle piece that had been missing for decades, that I didn’t even know was missing - finally was put into place. I had to let go of all that I knew before. It changed me completely. For the better, all of this did. Thank you for that. I realized how putting myself last, had created a life I didn’t recognize and learning how to put myself first and the ripple affect of healing that has on everyone around me. Being my best version and filling my cup up first, allows me to be that person for others. Thank you for playing the role you did in my life. It was a very important one and always will be. You leaving set me on fire again, because it had to.
I depended on you for a lot. Too much. Remember how I would get so scared whenever I had to stay home alone overnight? That rarely ever happened, but when it did…I would call you with every noise I heard and once it got dark, every light in the house got turned on. I would exhaust myself with the loud tv to almost eventually pass out, instead of willingly going to sleep. Thank you for showing me how strong I am. How capable I am, how nice it is to live alone (with Nash + Alvin). Something I dreaded, I actually embrace and like now.
You showed me some pretty scary, sad, surprising things your last days here. It helped switch my view on life, before I even learned how to understand it all. Nothing is ever that big of a deal with what I’ve gone through. The things that are, I hold close to my heart and protect it - physically, mentally and energetically (AND with a bunch of hippie shit). So. Many. Crystals. You would die if you saw the person I am today and how it compared to the person you knew. Hmmmm, well you know what I mean 😗 Same, but different. You always knew that hippie spiritual side was there, but if you could see it now. You must have known the route I would go before I did, because in the letter you left me - you seemed to acknowledge that. I’ve learned a lot about how all of this works in the energetic world, I know you have too. You’re not physically here but you’re around. Thanks for watching out for us now, in a way that you couldn’t while you were here.
There were so many waves of feelings and emotions those first 6 months after you left. So much was coming up and so much shifting. I was for sure just along for the ride. What was constant was that I missed you. I missed you as a person, my best friend and Nash’s dad. I missed just seeing you. I told myself I didn’t even need to talk to you, I just wanted to see you. 14 Years of seeing you and talking to you everyday, then just like that - you were gone. It made me so very grateful that I was the last person to talk to you and that it was the best conversation we’d had in days. My brain had a hard time catching up though. I knew whether you were here or not, it was never going to be the same. You and I both knew that - I missed you days before you even physically left. The person that held majority of my inside jokes and knew how to keep me grounded, was gone. There was a big hole. An obvious one. I now had to figure out how to fill that for myself and Nash. Thank you for forcing me to have to figure that out on my own. How silly to think someone else was holding my ability to regulate how I feel and handle situations. How could I expect you to hold that space if I couldn’t even do it myself? Thank you for being my match, until we weren’t. You decided for multiple reasons that this life was not for you anymore. Based on the tools you had and what was effecting you, you thought your choice was the best answer. I know that. I was almost half your book and you, chapters in mine. To this day, that’s still so weird to me. I know that feels the same for anyone that knew us together. You gave me things, experiences, a very special person and opportunities I am most grateful for. For that, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Nash. Man does he make facial expressions like you and is stubborn as all hell. That’s all you. As well as his feet, they’re identical to yours. And the hair. You’ll be glad to hear, he doesn’t have that small bald spot you were starting to get though. I can tell you, something you were so self conscious about, when I was saying my final goodbyes to you - it didn’t matter. None of it did. Thank you for showing me what really is important in this life. Bald spots are not one of them.
I crossed paths with someone pretty early on, who gave me a feeling and butterflies that I had never felt before. It surprised me. Nothing came of it, but it was the beginning of me realizing that there’s another person out there for me. You and I were truly meant to be together, for the time we were meant to be together. It made me see there is another soulmate I’m going to bump into down the road. You and I were soulmates, but in a different way. Different purpose and different stages of life - not the love of my life. If that weren’t the case, we’d still be together. There’s another soulmate that’s the final piece that fits into the puzzle I call, me and Nash. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to find him again.
The first year was filled with a lot of shifting, ebbing, flowing and love. Lots of love and support. An abundance of it. Every big milestone, holiday, one year mark, was supported in HUGE ways with the village that surrounded me and Nash. You'd be impressed. That one year mark of you being gone, I didn’t know what to expect. It was of course filled with friends all around but was different than I expected. What I noticed is that sometimes the day before a big day, tends to be filled with more awareness and reflecting than I realized. I think that’s due to the anticipation of the actual day. A lot of people say the firsts of things are the hardest. I’m not sure about that. I’m not really sure there is a word to articulate it. I will say, the 2nd of things is when life is back to normal and it’s not so much hard as it is eye opening and raw. The support and love is still there, but it’s just different. You are now functioning in the real world, the new normal. For me, because more time has passed, more experiences, I’ve accumulated more tools, I’m more used to my new life, etc. it does have an ease to it, that the first year did not. I’ve learned how to take what comes up and process and move through it, so it’s a moment - instead of a day, week, month, year, lifetime. I know you had dealt with your own trauma and loss in your life. Thank you for allowing me to see how you handled it. It was an eye opener to have a front row seat to how the lack of awareness and tools, can affect our choices and overall happiness with ourself and life. I wasn’t able to see any of that until after you left. I’m honored I was a part of your life, to have that to reference. I will now make sure Nash has the tools, awareness, perspective and deep love for himself, to handle things that come his way for his highest good. That is priceless.
There are things I used to think, ‘I wish Bob was here’. Then I realized you wouldn’t have wished you were here and that changed how I saw things. Like how when we want something so bad for someone, but we realize it’s based on what we want, not what would make them happiest. Us parents do that a lot with our kids. I wanted you here, I wanted you happy, healthy and strong. But you weren’t going to be able to hold that space, were you? You knew that. No matter what I told you we could overcome. You had your mind made up already. I’m bummed you couldn’t get there. But again, that’s not up to me. If you were going to be able to, you would have. I think for once in your life, you truly did something you wanted to do. So I have to let you have that. That’s on you and you wanted it that way. I’m glad I had so many years with you, so that I have pictures, stories and memories that will last a lifetime. Endless hours of entertainment for Nash down the road. Thank you for all the memories. Your laugh is one of my favorite ones.
I date here and there, you know that too. I’ve talked with multiple people about how I feel like if you were here, I would totally talk to you about my dating life. I’m not even going to go into it - you have an idea. I know, I know….what is my life, right? Movie worthy at times. Sometimes I laugh and wonder if you’re fucking with me though. Ok, ok - you win 😉 Thank you for creating a past that guided me to my intuition and how to listen to it and strengthen it. I learned a lot from our relationship. Like SO much. How I approached it and dealt with situations. Lets just say it’s a night and day difference, but it was in alignment with who we were then. Those were the roles we were supposed to play for each other in this lifetime. Thank you for giving me so many experiences to reflect and work on, so I now can experience partners that match this elevated version of me. Oh, aaaaand I’m so good at apologizing now. Day late and a dollar short? You used to love those cowboy one liners. I’ve now found myself saying them to Nash. Thanks a lot.
There are firsts for Nash that you watch from the sidelines now. Through all of this, the healing happened quick for me because I dove head first and it all clicked. The part that took a bit longer and will continue, will be how this affects Nash. Each stage will be different and I will transition with it and so will he. You’d be proud of him. He’s one strong ass bitch. I’m going to take credit for that one - but I’m also the one that pays for it. I’m going to be honest, the single parenting started out as the hardest part about you being gone. Now, with more time that has passed and experiences, it has become....well, normal. There are moments for sure, but - thank you. Being able to do this, makes me realize I can do anything. Remember when clipping Nash’s nails would freak me out? I couldn’t even watch while you did it and the whole time I kept screeching that you were going to clip his fingers off. So annoying....sooorrryyyy 😬 I clip that shit in my sleep now. I of course still have my human parenting moments, but I got this. And the moments it feels a little less than that, I regroup and figure it out. What I’ve learned through all of this, is going to instill a very strong, grounded, healthy foundation for Nash. Thank you, I can’t say I would have had that awareness or ability otherwise.
I knew things were different when I took Nash to his first day of school. It felt weird because we were used to you being gone. I wasn’t used to what you being gone meant for Nash, once he left our bubble though. I was blindsided by that. Didn't think that was possible anymore. So much so, I cried for a hot sec, in the car, on the phone with Par. Through all of this, that was my biggest concern. How this would all affect him. As a parent we try and protect our kids as much as possible. Especially from things we think they shouldn’t have to deal with, or things we dealt with, that we want to avoid so badly for them. I realized that day, he chose this life as much as you and I did. His lessons are going to mold him into the amazing human being he was put here to be. Who am I to say how he’s supposed to get there. He’s meant to do big things. I truly believe that. He has to - his personality says so. And by big things, I’m talking about the stuff that sets his soul on fire - whatever that looks like. I’ll make sure of it. Thank you for forcing me to be all the things for Nash. It has elevated what I want for myself as a person, so I can be that and more as a parent. It has allowed me to master my intuition, throw rules and social norms out the window and helped me see how beautiful life is from this angle. It‘s pure magic and it flows. Nash’s life will be better because of it.
Well back to the school topic for Nash. The 1st school wasn’t the right fit. So, I did the work and found some others and landed on one a week later. I didn’t think twice about it being just me that was dropping him off for his first day of school, the second time around, until I sat down to write this. It helped me see that I become more resilient and adaptable with each experience. Thank you. I have to also remember Nash knows no different - it’s those of us that knew you that are bummed for him. He won’t feel the same way we do about it, because he won’t remember you like the rest of us do. I think that’s another piece that tugs at my heart. It's also something my heart is grateful for. I guess you could call it that balance. But back to it, if you were meant to be here for this stuff - you would be. You were here for all the things you were meant to be here for. As he gets older there will be more explaining to do and that will unfold as it’s supposed to for him. We'll figure it out. Thank you for giving me this experience so I can be that much more helpful to others and those I work with. The long list of experiences have molded me into the person I am now. And I’m more me than I ever have been.
What’s next? Good question. I’m into planning to not plan, it’s a delicate balance that’s for sure. I know, you’re probably wondering where this person was while you were here. Lets just say you’d think I’m a lot of fun. I also like drinking Moscow Mules and taking shots like back in the day. Ok, ok, I’ll stop rubbing it in your face. Don’t worry, I still won’t touch Pendleton. I smile when I see it though and I always have it in the house for others. Like adults, not Nash. Although, now that you mention it 🤔
Mr. Nash and I will probably make our next move/plan by the end of the year. Possibly we’ll stay in Oregon. It’s also been thrown around about moving to California. I also know there might be options that haven’t crossed my consciousness yet. I’m open to whatever comes up - all the things and whatever is going to align best for me and Nash. I know there are a handful of people that just shit their pants at that thought. Thank you for creating situations I had to become very good at surrendering to. Without all of that, I would still have that white knuckle grip on life, trying to control it. Ultimately, sucking the life out of it. I have a feeling there will be things that cross our path that will make it very clear which direction to go in, I’m not worried. Oh yea, that too - I don’t worry about much anymore. Ok, I’ll stop. Told ya I was fun 😉
Today, you have been gone for 2 years. It feels like it’s been a lifetime. Other times it feels weird I can’t just call you up and say hi, or tell you it would be greeeeat if you could come get Nash, before we both hurt each other. As time goes on, I can’t picture where you would fit in anymore. The space that felt like it had a big hole, is gone. New memories, new experiences and a new path is being paved. Our new life will always have your memory, you will always be a part of it, you will always be a reminder on why we are where we are today and where we’re going. Where there was a hole, it’s now healed and it has taken on a new shape. It looks different, but Nash and I are cool with that. Different is our M.O.
There’s one other part to the healing that will be the final piece to this process - it will feel like I can close this chapter. I’m going to share our story on a large scale. A book, podcast, documentary, who knows....time will tell how it all plays out. It’s important this story gets told. For me, for Nash, for you and all the other people it’s going to help. It's saved and changed lives already. The world‘s going through a big shift right now. It’s time✨
Shit, there is a lot packed into those 10 days before you left, our history, what I’ve learned through this transformation and where I’m going from here. The fact that Nash and I are here to tell this story…well, that still blows my mind. That was a close call, huh? I’m going to tell our story and it’s going to be....all the things. You’ll have to let me know what you think. Until I hear your contagious laughter and see your sweet smile again….Thank you 😊
Now I gotta go, these Lemmon’s are off to make lemonade.