Updated: Dec 4, 2019
I don’t know who needs to hear it or why it necessarily needs to be shared today, but here it is. I guess I better take my own advice on just doing and not needing things to always make sense 🙃
I woke up at 5:30am today because I heard my name being called over and over again in my dream. You know how you start to hear something sometimes right before you wake up? I thought it might have been Nash (on the brink of him turning into a threenager he’s been calling me by my name lately 😏 whatever kid), but when I woke up it was quiet. So I did the most logical thing; picked up my phone to start scrolling instagram and try to avoid dropping it on my face. I did, if you were wondering...dropped it on my face - a few times. Well although it seemed mindless, one influencer account led me to another and instantly I started thinking. Then it hit me, damn, I’m supposed to write about this. I ignored it, because let’s be honest - I was hoping to go back to sleep. But nope. Ok, so I guess I write before the sun comes up now. Who needs sleep? Anyone who has a goal of writing or lots to say, knows what I’m talking about. It hits you at the most random times. Shower, in the car, checking out at the grocery store, sleeping (apparently), etc. so here we are. My dad just so happened to ask me about my writing process the other night, after reading a recent post. Well here’s another example, dad 🤪
Funny enough, the topic that popped into my head was about my dad. The story is long, but the message is short & sweet. Strength. I’ve realized with time, that although my story is big to others, it has become the norm to me. It is what it is - I feel that to my core. It doesn’t overwhelm me anymore, like it did when I first lived it and to others surprise, (even the closest people in my life) I moved through it swiftly. It wasn’t forced, it’s just how it was supposed to be based on the work I was doing. My life was put on pause long enough, so the universe sped me up through this processing phase. It’s gotten me to see why it makes people feel left in the dust. Like whoa, bitch...where’d you go? Wait up.
Back to my dad....not all know, but about 23 years ago he met my mom (yep I’m 35 - the math not adding up? 🤔). I didn’t have a father figure in my life at that time, but to be honest I didn’t realize I was missing anything - so I was indifferent. When him and my mom got married, he adopted me. It was like a no questions asked sort of deal, when you know you know.
Looking back to when I got married it was a different feeling of course, but the core should have been the same. Seeing it from the other side now, it looks different than I thought while I was in it. I didn’t have the awareness then to understand that or even acknowledge it. I never understood how people could get married multiple times and each time think this is it. But I get that now. Sometimes we don't see things, because we aren't supposed to. Or maybe we don't know what it's supposed to be like, until we experience something or someone different. Then we see it. In the moments I figured any worries (there weren’t many), were just normal coming from a family of divorce. It’s that closed heart way of viewing things, that life can be so uncertain and out of our control, especially romantic relationships. That manifested into me being hyper aware of the reality that sometimes things don't work out and I so badly did not want that. So I put a lot of energy into trying to avoid things, that ultimately I brought into my experience and relationship. I practically manifested the worst case scenario, by the way my thought process was playing on a loop. Now, as funny as it sounds that’s not a big concern of mine today - but with my most recent past you would assume it would be. I know now how to not create those experiences. I have that power back. Doesn't mean life is perfect from here on out, but there's a level that won't be crossed again, because I know what to do now. It's not about being perfect in a given area, but about having the ability to spot it quickly, rein it in and take action to shift it...all in a days work✨
So back to it. My first experience with a soul connection in human form (besides my amazing mother of course), was my dad. I don’t think I realized the lesson/gift at the time. I actually I know for a fact, I didn’t understand the magnitude of the example he was setting for me. It goes to show you, we aren’t made aware or meant to really see what’s in front of us, until we’re supposed to. Remember that when you're hard on yourself for ‘missing’ something. My dad was the first person to show me how you’re supposed to be treated. How someone fights for you in the sense. Their presence alone, without words exudes that they have your back. A deeper knowing on a soul level, that you just know you’re meant to learn, grow, teach and support one another. It was unspoken, yet loud and clear. He was meant to be that person because what was ahead for me. It needed to be someone of his caliber. Those that know him, know what I’m talking about. Don’t get me wrong, I could of used less of that caliber through my high school dating years, thank you very much. “You want me home when? I can’t sleepover at my boyfriends after prom? I have to take out my surprise nose piercing, I thought you’d like?” Laaaaame 🙄
Fast forward (a shit ton), to the 1st day of the 10 day spiral of my life with Bob, coming to an end. My dad was out of town with the rest of my family, but was the first person I called. And let me just tell you, an airplane flight and hours later, he was at my doorstep. There was no conversation had about that plan - it just happened. Then 10 days later, when I found Bob, after 911 - he was the first person I called . That night he was also coming back from being out of town, but happened to be an exit away. A coincidence? I think not. I do joke with him now, asking if he gets PTSD when he sees me call out of the blue....he says no. Buuuut I’m not too sure about that.
Why am I telling you all of this? I’ve realized strength is a high value of mine but it starts with being strong ourselves, people can’t do that for us. BUT our ability to hold that space, allows others to do the same around us. It takes another type of strength to drop in to someone else's story and stuff, without worrying we might 'catch' the chaos. That is a tool I have found extremely useful mastering when working with clients, let alone ebbing and flowing through life. It allows me to show up for myself, those closest to me and clients; while being able to be present and work my intuitive energetic healer magic, without taking it on as my own. It's something that takes some work, but we all have the ability to hold that strength for ourselves, no matter what has happened in our life. I know it’s going to take this type of strength for people to hold the space of my story, to even just digest it. I can relate so hard to that - I’ve been there, I get it.
This time without Bob, has allowed me to learn how to hold that space for myself, he couldn’t. Nor should he of had to or should anyone else for that matter - but they can match it. Moving through things at a parallel. I lost that core concept when Bob and I became a duo. But don’t worry, Nash sure stepped up in the strong willed department, thanks dude 😜 Do I dare tell him to tone it down a notch? Nah... (Sometimes though for real, tone it down). My mom brought that to my attention yesterday. She reminded me how Nash is showing me the example, of the strength that a partner is going to need exude to match me/my story/my life. Not so much for me, but for the well being of our dynamic. I am grateful for every person who has stepped aside the second they knew they couldn't match that. EVERY experience is a piece of the puzzle that is getting me to where I need to go.
What Nash and my dad have mirrored and taught me, is the strength that the person/people that are going to step in/around me, are going to be next level. It’s not to say either end of the spectrum is better or worse, it’s just how it’s meant to go for me. That also means it doesn't happen easily....but what worth having really does? I look forward to that challenge and being that challenge to others. Being too much, a family that’s too much, having a story that’s too much, fuck...bring it. I’ll meet ya there 😉